Does anyone else feel like the world is moving too fast, and they can't seem to catch up? Like, maybe they're standing still while the world moves on around them? Or maybe the world is on super speed and you're stuck in mud or quicksand, and the harder you try to catch up, the more stuck you get?
Yes? No?
That's me at the moment. The harder I try to do everything I need to get done, the less I feel I get done. I tick off 1 or 2 things on my 'to do' list, and add another 10 or 15. It's never ending. School, work, things to do at home, money issues, friends.... the list is endless.
Take school for example. I opened my latest Chemistry quiz on Thursday, to give myself plenty of time to tackle the questions and get a good understanding on them before I answer them because they involve a lot of pen and paper working out. I opened it just now to answer and submit the questions to find that my time has expired and I get a 0 for this quiz. I tried to submit my online assignment on Thursday (1 day late) to find out that for Chemistry (the only class I've ever heard of doing this) you can't submit it after the due date. So that's two big fat 0's I get for this unit in one week for trying to take the time to actually go about and answer them properly. Maybe next time I should just randomly pick answers and hope for the best.
Maybe I need to give up work. It just doesn't seem worth it. I take 2-3 hours out of my night (which, granted, isn't much) away from study, to stand around in the kitchen of the pub, and serve maybe 3-4 people a night, more when we occasionally have a party. My time would be much better spent if I stayed at home and studied. (Clearly I need it if I can't get my assessments in on time).
But, then there's the money thing. My fitness registration has expired and I need to renew it. I don't have to be registered, but it looks better for me if I am. So there's a few hundred dollars. Plus my insurance which is another few hundred. And I need some new equipment (I only have limited stuff and I'm running out of ideas for them) which isn't cheap, even for a set of dumbbells. Not to mention that I bought a new car. And my computer is having issues so I will either need it fixed (again!) or a new one which is a thousand or more dollars. And I'm barely making $300 a week!
Then there's the friend thing. I'm lonely in this town. I know it's partly my own doing, I've painted myself into a corner with going back to study. I'm stuck until at least the end of the year. Even longer if I pass this year, but can't get work in the industry. Where am I going to find a job that gives me time to study, time off for res school, but still gives me enough hours (and enough money) to survive in a city where I have to pay huge rent, and food etc? I'm happy to change to part time study if I can get a job in the physiology industry. If I can get a job as a PT in a physiology studio, that would be ideal. I'd be able to study part time (making my degree take longer, but that's ok), get the experience under a physiologist, be working doing something I love to do, and I'd be out of this GOD DAMNED TOWN!!!!
I'm so very lonely. I see about 6-8 people on a regular basis. Only 1 of whom I get to choose to see. There's my parent's (who still treat me like I'm 5... example, my dad worrying if I'm gonna get up to go to work at 4.30am. I've never slept in through my alarm in the 11 years I've been doing early starts, I don't know why I would start now), my sister (who, even though she moved out with her boyfriend still spends most days here, so I don't actually get any alone time because she won't fork out the money to get the internet connected to her house) and her boyfriend, my 2 PT clients, the people at work, and sometimes M. M is the only one I actually choose to see. That doesn't mean that I don't love my sister or my parents, because I do, but I need to be independent!!!
And really, M is the only friend I have here. There are a few people I went to school with who are still here, but they're busy with boyfriends/husbands/partners/kids etc. Not really my scene when I'm single. Most of the other people I know here, I don't want anything to do with. So many of them think so highly of themselves because they're working in the mines bringing in $100'000+ a year and they think they're king shit! And they're not. They're so closed minded and I hate it. I had a conversation with a guy at work the other week. He was almost disgusted that I was studying. He'd rather 'live life than read about it in books'. I wiped the smug grin off his face when I told him I'd been to Japan, the USA twice, Fiji, and Canada. He didn't have anything to say about that, but then he ignored me and went to talk to one of my co-workers.
I'm ready for a partner. I've been single for 5 years. I want someone to come home to. Someone to curl up on the couch with, and watch crappy movies. Someone who will listen to me when I talk, not just make noises but not really take in anything I'm saying. I want someone to cook with, and go on dates with and do things with. I want someone to make me feel special and loved. I want to be able to come and go as I please, eat what I want, when I want. I want a house to decorate and do up as I want (within reason).
My mum's talking about what to get me for my birthday in a few weeks, but everything I want isn't practical while ever I'm living at home. I'd like a big proper juicer, and blender, a good set of knives and pots and pans. But I can't have any of that while I'm home because we have nowhere to put it. I'd like some PT stuff (some ropes etc) but they're too expensive to ask someone to buy them for me.
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Ok, so I wrote that the other day, and then time got away from me. I still feel like that, I really do, but I feel a little better. I had a minor breakdown (happens every so often) and I got it all out to mum, and she was (mostly) understanding. My sister, not so much, but that's a whole other story.I went to the movies with M on Saturday night. We saw Oblivion. It wasn't too bad, but it was pretty predictable. It was pretty good for me considering I don't really even like Tom Cruise, and he was basically the only one in it, with a few other people flitting in and out.
I head to res school tomorrow and I feel so far behind the 8 ball. Hopefully, once I get to the place we're staying at (after a detour to the uni to get my lab coat and my ID card), I can just sit in a corner somewhere and work on my pre-prac questions. And, hopefully someone can help me out if I get stuck, which I probably will.
But, there's nothing I can do about it right this second. I have to be up in 5 hours and take a PT session. Then I'll come home, nap for a few hours, pack, then head off to Armidale. I haven't been in a few years, so it'll be interesting to see what's changed and what hasn't. Especially the uni.
Wish me luck. I'll try and update while I'm there. Maybe on Sat night (last day of Chem, night before Bio starts).
Cya soon
D
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