Job Hunting Sucks

Well it does. I've sent out dozens of resumes and cover letters over the last 2 weeks and nothing. Nada. Zip.  And I know 2 weeks isn't a long time to be job hunting. And I know people who have worked over here and it took them a month to find work but I WANT A JOB NOW!!!!

Ok, now that I've got that out I feel better. 

A little.

I just want to be paid. I hate dipping into my savings all the time just to buy stuff. And I want to be able to afford to go to a gym, or kickboxing, or dance, or yoga, or all 4, but I don't think I'll be able to do that, even once I get a job. My rent is $150 a week, so to be able to pay that, and eat, and still have some money, I'll need to work about 40 hours a week.

So... 

Good food it is. 

I went looking on Robson St yesterday. Not for anything in particular, just to get out of the Hostel, and into the sunshine. (Yes, the sun was out, it was magnificent.)I found lots of shoes I'd love to buy (I'm loving all the colour that's out at the moment), but (and you'll be very proud of me), I didn't buy a single pair. Even with so many pretty things on sale.

So, I was in a good mood. The sun was out, the shops had sales, I was happy looking. All was good.

Then I went into American Eagle. I love this place. I don't know why, I really don't. I found it when I lived in South Lake Tahoe (I shopped in San Francisco). And they had a sale on as well. (I think just about every store does atm). So I wanted a pair of shorts. Not short shorts, just shorts. Plain, denim shorts. And maybe a few shirts. A pair of 3/4 jeans. The usual. So I found a few things I liked. And then I headed into the dressing room.

BAD IDEA!!!!!

I knew I have put on weight since I got here. I haven't been eating that well and I haven't really exercised. I mean, I've been doing some walking around, and taking the stairs instead of the elevator, but I haven't done some serious exercise since before I left home.

So, I pulled on a one shoulder shirt. I like it. I bought it. Now I'll wear it when I lose a couple of kgs. I don't need to lose a lot, it fits as is, but it will look a lot better when I lose a little bit. 

Then I pulled on the shorts. In a size 12. AND THEY DIDN'T FIT!!! Could barely pull them up past my thighs. I think they were laughing at me as I contemplated the zip and button. There was no way I was going to get those shorts done up, and if I did I better not move. Not even breathe. So I took them off and 'threw' (as in hung them back on the hanger, and then slammed the hanger on the hook). 

I was annoyed with myself by this point, so I grudgingly tried on the 3/4 jeans. They're boyfriend, so they're supposed to be baggy. The 12's fit. In fact they were a little loose. So I tried on the 10's. They fit too. Cue a little bit of smiling. Until I looked at myself in the mirror. The pants only emphasized (to me) how much weight I have to lose. Baggy jeans look good on thin girls. On me... not so much.

But I bought them. And I'm wearing them as I type this. They are comfortable, which is what I need right now. But, they did highlight that I've let my eating get out of hand again. And that I need to exercise more. So I guess that's a good thing? Right?

So, as I sit here, typing this, and looking at more job vacancies, and sending resumes (I can multi task) I am eating baby (organic) carrots (from this fruit and veggie market on Davie St that I love), and some strawberries. My bottle of water is sitting beside my laptop. (I may use the laptop cord to strangle the guys who are yelling and laughing at the top of their voices like they're in a noisy pub, not a quiet dinning room). 

And, I've been making lists too. Goals lists if you will. Goals for the month of July. Goals for the next 6 months. Plans for if I stay, and plans for if I don't. I am nothing of not organised. 

I just hope that once I move into my house on Sunday things will settle down. I can buy food without the worry of eating it (someone took my cheese, and the leftovers of mine and Min's pizza from Monday), and I can start to exercise. I'm already planning running/walking routes and I've been looking at gyms, yoga studios, kickboxing classes, and dance studios to see what's around, and how much it'll cost. 

Good thing I don't like to party. Hopefully I'll get a job soon and meet people. I'm kinda lonely here at the moment. I miss everyone. 

Going to have an early dinner in a minute. Need a break from looking at the screen. 

xo

Blogger Challenge Week 5

Whirlsie posed a great question for this week's blogger challenge:

What does being healthy mean to YOU? What is it that has made you start this journey into being a healthier you?


An interesting, and brain scratching, question.

Health means different things to different people, and different things at different stages of life. What healthy was to me a few years ago, probably isn't what it means to me now, and more than likely, won't be what it means to me in a few more years.

I don't get sick. I never have. Other than the odd cold I don't get even the normal virus' that most people seem to get. I never even had the chicken pox as a child. So I guess I've taken my health for granted. I have never broken a bone, and I've never been seriously sick. I don't have any allergies, nor do I have hayfever, asthma or eczema. I an generally healthy.

My weight, like many, is the primary reason for me embarking on the 12wbt. I am overweight. I feel overweight. I look overweight. And I hate it. So I'm going to change it.

Healthy, to me, right now? Being able to do the things I want to do, rather than only things that my body is capable of doing.

I saw this picture the other day, and it really got me thinking. Which of these 2 ladies do I want to be when I get to that age? Do I want to be the one who looks frail, and needs assistance daily? Or do I want to be the one who is still full of life and vitality? I know the answer to that one.

My grandmother is 72 this year. She lives in her own home with her dog. My grandfather died 11 years ago. None of the family live closer than 1 hour away. She has to rely on herself to do everything on a daily basis. I want to be able to do that. I want to be independent for as long as possible. I want my body to be able to support me until it wears out, but from use, not from frailty.

I want to be able to appreciate my body for all the things it can do, not all the things it can't do.


I want to feel healthy inside and out.

I want to be fit.

I want to enjoy life without worrying about how I look, or if I will be able to keep up, or even do the things that others are doing.

So I guess, to me, right now, that's what being healthy means to me.

Blogger Challenge Week 3

Whirlsie has once again posted a great question for this week's challenge:
How will you acknowledge and reward yourself during Round 1, 2012 of the 12WBT? What are the small wins? What are your big accomplishments? How will you achieve these and how will you reward your efforts? (food doesn't count!)

The obvious reward for me is a new wardrobe. Hopefully from Vancouver. But that's still 3 months away. So, what will I do to celebrate the smaller milestones along the way? And what will these milestones be?

Small wins:

• Losing 5% of my body weight (4kg).
• Losing 10% of my body weight (8kg)
• Running 5 mins without stopping

Big accomlpishments:

• Losing 8kg (halfway to goal) (I know, I said this up top too)
• Getting to goal weight (65kg)
• Being a size 10
• Running 5km on a regular basis
• Going from beginner to advanced on everything (except sit ups)
• Beating my PB on the 1km run on the fitness test.

How will I achieve this?

I will admit, these last few weeks I haven't given it my all. My eating has slipped from tracking everything and following Michelle's plan, to barely thinking about what I'm eating and not tracking. My exercise... not really existent, sporadic at best.

Now, to fix it all. I will get back on the horse in terms of my eating. I will sit down and work out my meal plan. I will grocery shop and make sure I have all the ingredients I need. I will make sure that I have healthy snacks on hand.

I will make exercise just another part of my day. I will exercise with everything I have, 6 days a week. I will give it my all.

Rewards for my efforts?

I have never really been one for rewards. I mean, I can make them, use them as an incentive for getting to my goals, but I've never really been one to take them. I mean, I love a massage, and I love the way I feel after I have one (a friend of mine says I look high at the end). I regularly have my eyebrows etc waxed to look and feel better about myself. I would have my nails done (either manicure, or acrylic) if I was allowed to have them at work. I have my hair cut semi regularly, and occassionally have foils put in. I have a bubble bath with music, sometimes candles, always a good book, when I have the house to myself and I want one.

I see no reason why we should deny ourselves the pleasures that come with looking after ourselves, and make us feel better about ourselves, just because we are on a weight loss journey. These are things that I, personally, don't see as any different than getting my eyes or teeth checked. They're a normal part of keeping myself looking and feeling good. (This may make me sound vain, but I hate having my eyebrows out of control. It makes me feel out of control). These sometimes small things can feel like something I can control in an environment where I don't really control much.

I don't understand why some people put off getting things until "I'm a xx size" or "I weigh xxkg". To me it makes no sense. Why shouldn't you look after you now? As you are right in this moment? Are you not worthy of having the same things as thinner people are? Why not?

I understand that these sorts of things are a personal preference and I don't mean to come across as bitchy, or unsympathetic. I understand there are constraints on people that doesn't allow them to have these things on a regular occurence.

I'm not sure where this mindset comes from. Maybe it's having been bought up believing that I can do, have and be, anything I wanted. That I don't need to wait for the right time, or the right place, or the right person. That if I work hard enough, I can have it.

Maybe it comes from my psychology background? The lessons on negative self talk, and putting yourself last. Maybe it comes from seeing my mum put off buying/doing things for herself, and putting herself last. I'm not sure.

But, I believe that things like that, are, for me, not rewards. These are things that people do all the time. Young, old, thin, overweight, pretty or not. It doesn't matter.

I guess for me, rewards are big things. Going overseas. Scuba diving lessons. My first leather jacket that I bought when I first started working.

But most of my rewards are physical... That high at the end of a run. Feeling exhausted at the end of a full on session. Feeling my jeans get looser. Not having a double chin in my photos. Feeling lighter and better about myself. Beating my PB times/calories burned/weight lifted/reps completed/times etc.

I will, of course, get my hair recut and foiled before I leave the country. I will allow myself a massage when I have massive knots in my muscles. I will allow myself to have a bubble bath and read a book if I want to.

I guess my biggest reward for myself is knowing that I did it. I will get to the end and be able to say 'I did the 12wbt' and I made it out the other side. I will be able to say that I am lighter, fitter, healthier and stronger. And I DID IT!!! No-one did it for me. That feeling of accomplishment.

Also, while I'm in Canada (however long that might be), I want to do the Stanley Park walk. It's about 6 miles (10km) right round, plus the walk to and from the youth hostel I will be staying at. I want to be able to do that and enjoy it. Not just huff and puff, and feel my legs aching, so that I miss all the scenery. It's supposed to be a beautiful place, and I want to experience all it has to offer.

What are your thoughts on rewards?

12wbt pre-season task 2

via pinterest

One of the pre-season tasks for the 12wbt is to find all of our excuses, and then find ways around them, ways to stop them ruiling your life. We need to find ways to stop that irritating little voice inside your head. You know the one, the one that tells you you're too fat, or stupid, or tired, or it's too late to start now so why bother trying at all. The one that tells you that you're doomed to fail.

SO, here, for all the world to see are my excuses, and my rebuttals.

I'm too tired: go to bed earlier, get up earlier, training will give me more energy. It will make me sleep better, and therefore I will be less tired. If I work the afteroon/nights, I need to train of a morning. If I work the morning/lunchtime shift, I will take my clothes to work with me and go to the gym on my way home.

I'm too busy: But really I'm not. If I have time to be on the computer/internet/phone/with my head stuck in a book etc, I have time to train. I have time to eat properly, and exercise. And I can make more time if I cook/prepare my meals/snacks ahead of time.

I can't be bothered today: WHAT THE HELL?!! I can't be bothered to take some time out to take care of myself? If this were a client (pt or counselling) I would wonder what had happened to this person to make them think that they are unworthy of their own time. So, why can I talk sense into my clients and not to myself? Well, no more! I managed a university degree in psychology. I have my master trainer in fitness. I could be bothered to go back when I failed my exams both at uni and for pt. If I can do that, then I can be bothered to take an hour or so out to look after myself.

I'm a procrastinator: I am and always have been. I remember when I was at school, I would always tidy up my room and/or desk before starting my homework, even if it wasn't necessary. My mum used to say I was the most disorganised organised person in the universe. This habit followed me a little to uni. If it was a class I wasn't interested in, I would put off study for a while, and concentrate on a subject I did like. I don't put everything off, and I need to put myself into the list of things I don't procrastinate about.

I don't know what to expect when I get to goal: I wasn't always a size 14. I used to be a size 8-10. But I haven't been that was since I was 16. I don't know what it will be like when I get there again. My friends don't have a problem with the way I look, and I've never really had an issue with it. (This might change when we get to the photo/measurements day). I am comfortable whith myself at this stage, but, when I get to goal I'll be just about to move to Canada, so I will be out of my comfort zone anyway. May as well be out of my comfort zone and thin and healthy.

I have to work: In part, this is one of those external, out of my control, excuses. Because I don't work set days or hours, my plans can change at the last minute, throwing my whole day off. I need to work, I need the money, but I need to take time out for myself too. I need to organise my day so that I can fit my exercise in. I need to use my diary and compromise on what I am doing. If I haven't exercised that day, can I fit it in before/after work? If yes, then get out there and do it. If no, then work that much harder/longer tomorrow and be really good with my eating that day.

Most of these are internal excuses. I've never really been one to talk down to myself. I've never had a problem with self image or self doubt. I've never been one to tell myself that I'm too fat, or that I can't do something. And my parents have always been supportive, and told my sister and I that we can do anything, and that belief has followed me into adulthood.

However, I do use the 'it's too hot, too cold, raining' etc excuses. I have a gym membership. I have a car. I have workout dvd's. There is absolutely no reason why I can't get a workout in, one way or another.

I'm sure this list will be added to at some point. I'm sure there are more excuses that will rear their ugly heads as I work my way through these pre-season tasks, and the 12 weeks.

via weheartit.com

USA

I apologise profusely for the length of time this blog has sat not being updated. I really don’t have an excuse. Except lack of time really. I had a blog written just after Easter, but my internet was not in a good mood and crashed, taking my latest entry with it.

I am currently writing this from a plane on my way from Sydney to LA. That’s right; I’m flying to Los Angeles. I am embarking on my first actual holiday since I was 15. That’s the age I was when I started working. Since then, I have juggled working with, firstly school, then university. Every school break was spent working.  But, didn’t I spend 3 months in the US, just a little over 2 years ago? Yes, yes, I did. But, I worked the entire time (give or take a week). So, you see, I really haven’t had a vacation in a long time. So, now I am embarking on a 5 week USA holiday, Contiki style.  Should be a lot of fun.

But, back to the blog. About health and fitness. Mental, physical and emotional.

It feels strange to be writing about health and fitness when I currently have a cold. Yes, you read that right, I have a cold. Not a very severe one. Not even one where I feel like coughing up a lung. No, just one of those annoying ones where my throat hurts in cold weather, and first thing of a morning, and my nose is rather stuffed of a morning. That sort of cold. Thank god I’m heading to warmer climates.

I have a friend from work, M, who I think is the sort of friend everyone should have. She’s the type of friend to knock on your front door as she walks in. She’s the type to turn up unexpectedly. She’s the one who will phone and say ‘a movie starts in 30 minutes, do you want to go?’ She’s also the type of friend who will hit you over the head if he thinks you are being ridiculous.

Comparing myself to anyone and that if I do I’m stupid. She told me other things too, but they really aren’t fit to post here. But see what I mean about everyone needing a friend like her? Thought so. I really believe that we all need a friend to give us a reality check when we get like that.

Which leads me to what my deleted post was about: comparing ourselves to others and how that impacts on our mental health.

The next time you compare yourself to others, be it that you think you look better or worse than the person you are comparing yourself to, think about how you feel, mentally, about yourself.

I have been trying to do that over these last few weeks, and I’ve noticed some things.

Firstly: I compare myself more often than I think I do. Even something as simple as ‘she has the same shoes as me’.

Secondly: Who I compare myself to, and whether it’s in a negative or positive light, is dependent on what my mood is like. If I’m in a negative mood, I tend to compare myself in a negative way, and find very thin people to compare myself too. Things like ‘she’s so much thinner than I am,’ and the like. On the flip side of things, if I’m in a positive mood, I tend to compare myself in a much more favourable light. More like ‘She’s so thin, but I’m glad I’m not quite that small,” etc. I compare myself to make myself feel better or worse, depending on whether I’m in a good or bad mood.

Thirdly: comparing myself to people makes me more aware of what I want, in life, for my body, in looks etc. I want to be thinner (an Aus size 10), so I compare myself to people who are that size or smaller. I want to move out of home, so I compare myself to people around my age who are already out of home. I wish I hadn’t dyed my hair blonde a few years ago, which in turn made a lot of it fall out, so I am envious of people with thick hair like I used to have.

Essentially, I am comparing myself to people who have what I want.

This is not always a bad thing. It can drive you to try harder to get the things you want, give you focus when you start to stray. Just remember to use them as motivation, and not just as the end goal. It’s all about remembering that everyone is different, and that what works for someone who has what you want, or what you think you want, may not actually work for you, or in reality, may not be what you actually want or need at all.

Take the time over the next week or so, to notice who you compare yourself to, and in what light. Think about how you feel about yourself when you compare, and after you’ve done it. Then think about why you’re comparing in the first place. Are you jealous? Do you want what they have? Or is there some other reason?

I’m going to kick back and watch a movie now. Then maybe try and sleep a little before I land. Got my bottle of water, my lollies, and my ipod. I’m all set.

Enjoy your week. I know I will.

Dxo

I'm Back!!!

Apologies for the lack of posts recently. With the completely odd hours at work, the Easter break, and my sister being back at home, blogging time dwindled to nothing. Not that I'm making excuses, I'm not. But, as it seems to do, life gets away from you.

Just a quick little note to tell you all that I'm still alive. I made it to the gym last week... twice. I even took my mum with me once. And I worked out over the Easter weekend too. I overdid it with the chocolate (surprisingly, not until after Easter had passed), but I didn't, and still don't, feel guilty.

See, I can work on this mental health thing too.

Firstly, I hope everyone had a wonderful holiday period, not matter what you celebrated. I hope you all had a wonderful time, and for the Aussie's, I hope you, like me, enjoyed your 5 day long weekend (even though I worked 3 of 5 days.)

Secondly, I hope that any readers in North America are all safe and well, and that, if you do live in the areas that are being battered by the tornados, that you and your families are all safe and healthy. Mother Nature is really being destructive this year isn't she?

In keeping with the mental health train of thought, everyone should have a friends like M in their lives. As I have said before, I generally don't compare myself to other women. They aren't me and I'm not them. We don't have the same live, situations, or experiences.

But, the other day M and I were talking about bodies, and how we feel about them etc, and I said that that particular day I felt fat. As you do. I was bloated, and I felt horrible and huge, and just yuck. I also happened to mention that one of the girls who is coming on the tour of the US with me is a (Aus) size 8 model, and it makes me feel just that little more self conscious about how I look.

I thought she was going to hit me. She ranted and raved about how you don't compare yourself to anyone else. EVER! She went on to list reasons and do a little more ranting and raving. Then she proceded to tell me that if she ever heard me talking like that again she was going to thump me. Hard.

I got such a giggle out of that.

Everyone needs someone like her to bring you back down to earth when your thinking gets out of hand.

Like I said, I normally don't, but every so often we can't help ourselves, and we compare ourselves to everyone we see. Whether tha person be a famous actress/songer/model on the cover of some glossy magazine, fitness people and athletes we see out exercising, or just the random person on the street. We compare ourselves to people, both big and small, and we do it depending on our moods.

Try this...

The next time you are feeling good about how you look, take a look at who you compare yourself with and why. I know I always compare myself to those larger people I see in the supermarket who are buying bags of lollies, chocolate, and chips. It makes me feel better about myself. I do it even though I know that, rationally, they could be buying those things for their child's birthday party, and that, more than likely, they aren't going to go home and stuff themselves full of junk food.

The reverse is true too. When you are feeling low about how you look, who do you compare yourself to? Id it the opposite to who you compare yourself to when you feel good? I always end up comparing myself to those stick thin people I see. Those people I see in skinny jeans with very thin legs (something I know I will never have, it's just not my body shape) or those who have clearly been doing some sort of exercise and who are buying fresh fruit and vegetables. It always makes me feel like I am less of a person.

And when I realise I'm doing this I always feel terrible. Terrible for judging people I know nothing about. Terrible for thinking that what I see in magazines is actually, 100% real. But most of all, I feel terrible about criticizing myself. Because really... that's what we're doing when we're comparing ourselves. We are picking what we feel bad about with ourselves and projecting it onto someone else, so we can bag them out and not ourselves. At least not consciously.

The next time you find youself doing, work out what you're trying to discover about yourself. When I criticise people who are running around in exercise clothes, it's usually when I feel guilty because I haven't been. When I 'hate' someone for having thin legs, it's really because I know I will never have them outside of liposuction and surgery (like I said before, it's all genetics) and will never get to wear tiny shorts.

So there you have it.

The next time you criticise someone think about why you're doing it. Think about how you feel, and if what you're criticising is actually your insecurities coming to the surface, to be directed at somone else.