Back To School...

Back to school... (you're singing it like Adam Sandler now aren't you?)

Ok, so maybe not quite, but I am going back to university. And while class doesn't officially start until the 25th of Feb, I've been obsessively checking the university website for the unit information (things like lecture notes, assessment guides etc) to be up. And last night I found the Math and Biology ones are.

Which, for math, is a good thing for me. You see, I haven't studied math since I graduated year 12 (8 years ago), and looking at the notes for uni, it's like reading Japanese to me. I mean, I recognise the questions, I've seem them before, but I have no idea what it's saying. Like

y = f(x) = x2 + 2x - 1 = 2

Ah ha, I completely understand that.... not.

I'm looking at this stuff and I'm already worried. Especially because if I don't pass math I can't complete my course. My whole course is riding on this one unit!!!!

ARGH!!!!

But I'll get there. I just have to have faith that I can do it, and devote my time to it.

Oh well, at least biology looks easier to understand, and I still remember what I did in chemistry in high school.

I need to come up with a timetable. One that includes study, gym and work. I'll do it sometime this week I'm thinking.

So...as I said before I really want to get out of my hometown and move into a city. Ideally Sydney, but I'd move to Newcastle, or even Melbourne.

So, as I do, I look a little too far into the future, and I've been looking at acting and dance classes. I've always felt a pull towards the arts like music, drama and dance, just like I've always felt a pull towards sports and being active. Most of the acting classes though, they want you to audition. And I'm not looking at it as a career. I mean, if someone was to offer me a job as an actor I wouldn't turn it down, I love acting, but I just want it to be something I can do more as a hobby. And a lot of the dance classes I'm finding, particularly in Newcastle, are for kids, or advanced adults who want to do it as a profession. Now I love dance, but I don't want to do it professionally. I'm sure there's classes out there, I just have to do some research and find them.

image via heraldsun.com.au

But... I'm getting ahead of myself.

I'm trying to study my math now (I bought the yr 12 HSC excel textbook, but I think I'm going to need the yr 11 one to help me learn some of the basics again). It's not really happening. I have Tangled on in the background (did I mention I'm a big kid and a little addicted to Disney movies??? No, well I am). I keep watching it instead of doing my study...

Oops :D

But I love this movie. I love the horse, and the way he and Flynn fight. It's funny. Disney always leaves me with a smile on my face.

I'm having a girly day with M tonight. When she finishes work later tonight she's coming round and we'll do dinner, and maybe have a few drinks. We'll do a movie marathon, and gorge ourselves on too much junk food, maybe paint our toenails or do face masks. It'll be fun. It's been ages since we've been able to do this. Not since before I left for Canada. She works days, and I've been working nights, and when I have time off she doesn't and vice versa. It just hasn't happened. Sometimes all you need is a girly day/night.

Can't wait... it'll be so much fun :D It always is when we get together.

Girly Day

What's a good way to beat the 'return home' blues???

A GIRLY DAY!!!

I had an appointment with my hair dresser this morning. It's been booked since before Christmas, and I needed it when I booked it, so I definitely needed it now. It was dry and brittle at the ends, and my streaks had grown out so much that I really noticed it, even when it was freshly washed. (My hair is a reddish blonde, so when the blonde foils grow out it's not always noticeable).

When I sat down in the chair, my hair dresser asked what I wanted and I replied with 'anything'. So, I had about 2-3 inches cut off, and a side fringe cut into it. It's been years since I had a side fringe (long one), and I think I was about 8 or 9 when I last had an actual fringe. It's going to take some getting used to. I also had copper and blonde foils put through it. The copper is quite noticeable right now, but after a few washes, the colour will settle. For some reason, the colour doesn't fade in my hair, it just settles.

I didn't take a photo of my hair before I had it all cut, so there's no real 'before and after' comparison, but there is a 'during and after' shot :D

During

After

I also had an at home spa day. I used a face mask and read a book while it dried, used a yummy smelling nut body scrub in the shower, made my own foot spa and gave myself a mini pedi and painted my toes.

My pretty bluey green toenails :D They've been purple or red for weeks, so this is a nice change

And.. what girly day is complete without chocolate...

I'm slightly obsessed with this chocolate. It's got things in it that remind me of pop rocks, and smarties and it's awesomly amazing!!!

It's been a good day. I'm heading to work in about an hour, but having the day to laze around and be girly has been a really good thing. My head is definitely in a better space. Today was just what I needed.

Reverse Culture Shock???

Ok, so after my last, very depressing, post... I'm back.

And by that, I mean the generally happy, bouncy, smiley me is back. I'm still having some ups and downs emotionally, but I definitely feel better than I did last time I posted.

I have been doing some research (and by research I mean Google-ing), and it seems that what I have is reverse cultural shock.

Now culture shock I had heard of. The disorientation, the unfamiliarity of a culture that isn't your own. The differences between what you know and where you are now. Funnily enough, I have never really experienced this. Maybe it's the anticipation I feel every time I book a new trip, or the excitement I have when packing and boarding the plane. Maybe it's the wonder I feel (after the jet lag), when I make it to another country, and get to experience all the differences their culture has to offer.

But reverse culture shock? Huh? Never heard of it? What the hell is it? And why would I have it?

Mum spoke to a friend of hers who mentioned feeling the same way after she and her husband (then boyfriend) came back from Europe. This feeling of depression, and the up and down emotional roller coaster you seem to be on when you're latest adventure is over. So... as I do... I Googled it. And came up with reverse culture shock. I was completely unsure that this was what I was feeling. It felt a little like depression, but I knew I wasn't depressed, and the psychologist inside me wanted answers. Preferably ones that were solid, and quantifiable. So, I read journal entries, blogs, even research papers on this phenomenon.

And, the more I read, the more I felt like I was finally being understood. I found myself nodding, and 'ah ha-ing' as I read these first hand accounts of coming home after being abroad. As people listed symptoms and feelings, it was like I finally found someone who understood me and what I was feeling. No more 'stop being so depressing', or 'why do you have to compare everything'. And, as someone who has traveled a fair bit, with a group of friends made up of people who haven't, or barely traveled, it was really hard to explain to people I've known for 15 years or more, how I felt and why I felt that way.

I found a few websites that list the symptoms of this problem, and I have most of them:

• Restlessness, rootlessness? Yep, in abundance. I feel like I have an itch under my skin that I can't seem to shake. I have a need to keep moving, to keep doing. It's hard to explain to someone that this restlessness can't be overcome simply by getting a job/going to work/studying again. It's under your skin.
• Reverse homesickness? Kinda. I didn't really meet a lot of people, but I miss the few I made great friendships with, and, more than that... I miss the place. I miss Vancouver. I miss the hustle and bustle of a large city. I miss being in the middle of the hive of activity.
• Boredom, insecurity, uncertainty, confusion, frustration? Yep. In spades. I am very bored. Again, not the kind of boredom that can be overcome by working. It's the kind of boredom that needs an active outlet. Like rock climbing. Or bungee jumping. or being lost in the middle of a city you know nothing about. It's very hard to describe this to someone who hasn't traveled, and even harder to get them to understand. Frustration is probably my main problem. Everything is frustrating to me at the moment. Everything from my job, to my friends, to the shopping center, to my car. Again... very hard to describe and explain.

There are others, but these are the main ones I feel. It's hard to explain how I feel, and how I've changed. It's like I no longer fit into my skin. I feel alienated from my family, my friends, my home town. I have a need to get lost in cities like Paris, Milan, Tokyo, New York, and of course Vancouver. I have also found that, while people ask about your travels, they don't really care. They don't remember where you were, they don't know how long you've been gone for. Their eyes glaze over if you answer their questions in more than a few words. They don't care about what you've seen, or experienced, or done. The food you've eaten, the people you've met. I don't know if it's jealousy, or if they really just don't care. 

But it's not just other people. It's me. I've changed. While I've felt for a few years that my hometown isn't where I'm supposed to be, coming home from a multicultural, hustling, bustling city like Vancouver, my hometown just seems incredibly small, boring, and closed minded. I often wonder what I'll do for fun, and in my spare time. My tolerance for other languages, and cultures, my need to see and experience new and varied things, feels out of place in such a small country town. A few people I thought of a nice have showed me the ugly side with jealously and irritation if I so much as mention travel. I've found that the things I think about, and values I feel are close to my heart, aren't really considered here. The 'me' that I found in Vancouver, the 'me I feel is the real me, just doesn't fit here. People knew me before I went away, and they expect that I'll still be the same person. (Of course, most of these people haven't traveled.) It's hard to explain how living in another country (even one as similar to Aus as Canada) can change you so much, and so fundamentally. 

For example, an older guy was sitting at the bar when I finished work last week and we somehow got onto the topic of travel. He couldn't understand how I could see other countries when I haven't seen my own. Trying to explain to him that I wanted to see the world while I was young enough, fit enough, and healthy enough to sit on a plane for 12, 15 or 24 hours, and get lost in a city with no problems. This lead to 'aren't you scared travelling by yourself that something will happen to you?' To which I replied 'how is moving to Vancouver where I know no-one any different that moving to Sydney where I know no-one?' He didn't have an answer for that, but you could tell he was pissed off that I had an answer for every question he had. It's these type of reactions I've been getting since I first traveled. 

The most fun (can you hear the sarcasm?) part of this reverse culture shock, is the general feeling of irritability, anxiety, and restlessness. I've been sleeping quite a bit, but invariably 30 minutes before I go to bed those underlying emotions and thoughts that I can suppress during the day pop up. I feel like a pregnant woman with my emotions all over the place. I'll be perfectly happy and then get in the shower and before I know it I'm in tears. The itch under my skin to move and see and experience different things is like a little voice in the back of my mind. My thoughts are like bouncy balls... all over the place. It's like someone dropped a box of ping pong balls into my brain, and they're left to bounce their way all over the place, pinging and ponging through my range of emotions and thoughts the second my brain has nothing to occupy it. I cry more lately than I have in years. There's this irrepressible ache in my chest to board the next plane to Vancouver... if I only had the money to do so. I feel this overwhelming pressure (both internally and externally) to 'get over' my feelings and start to sort out my life so I have a beautifully wrapped answer to the question of 'what's next?' I have people telling me that I'm nearly 26, and I need to get on with the rest of my life. That I can't be broke and travel forever. I have to eventually come back down to earth.

But what if I don't want to?

 

Sometimes, looking at the list of things I want to do, and see, and experience, I wonder if I'll ever get to do it all. And I wonder if I'll ever fit in. 

I have come to terms with the fact that more travel isn't on my cards any time soon. I have neither the money, or the time to go on another long term trip at the moment. I have re-enrolled in school. I need to spend some time focusing on that. I need to get my financials sorted so I can get out of this town. So I can stand on my own two feet again. 

But I am a little disheartened, when I read all these accounts of people who are still experiencing reverse culture shock 4, 5 or even 10 years after returning home. God help me if that's the case with me. I might just go insane. 

I want to make small trips throughout Australia, New Zealand, or even the Islands. Even a week or 10 days somewhere that's not here, will go a long way to helping my travel bug stay calmer and keeping me a little saner.

I feel myself comparing Australian and Canadian culture. And I find myself comparing my hometown to Vancouver. Which is ridiculous because not only are they in different countries, but ones a small country town, and the other is a major city. But there are times I wish I was could call Clare and meet for drinks and dinner at the Local, or spend an hour deciding on the best cupcakes or ice cream flavour. I wish I could meet Lindsay for coffee and fan girl over the latest Supernatural episode. 

I need my family and friends to understand that, while I'm happy to see them, it doesn't mean that I don't miss Vancouver and the people I met immensely, and want to get on the next available flight to go back.

But having a name for what I'm feeling, and knowing I'm not the only one, has made me feel better. It's not taking the ache away, or stopping the tears when I look at photo's, or see updates on Facebook from the people I've left behind, but it helps a little.

Err... Ahh... Humpf!

Yep. That's right! I said HUMPF!!!!!

Yes, it's a word, and I'm sticking to it!!! (I remember a university boyfriend looking at me like I'd lost my mind when I first said this to him. Nearly 8 years later and it's become a mainstay in my vocabulary.)

Be warned... this will be a long rambling post... and it probably won't make much sense, but I need to get it all out...

Do you ever have those days where you just feel blah? You know, nothing's wrong, but nothing's right either?

That's me today.

And yesterday.

And most of last week.

Some of you may remember 6 months ago I was one very happy and excited little birdy. I was on my way to Canada on a working holiday. A country I had been dying to go to for years and years and years. I was so very excited. This was my opportunity to get out, see the world, make new forever friends, have wonderful new experiences, and cry terribly when I was coming home 2 years later.

Right???

Well, apparently not. The universe hasn't really working in my favour recently.

Yes, I made it to Vancouver. Yes I fell in love with the city. Yes, I made 2 very good friends, one Canadian, and one British. Yes, I got to go to the Supernatural Convention, and have my photos taken with Sam and Dean, and Sam again, and Lucifer and Crowley. And I got to see Death and Lucifer dance and do the Time Warp, and Sweet Transvestite.

But...

I couldn't get work. So I spent a lot of the 6 months looking at a computer screen applying for jobs, and walking the streets handing in resumes, and got nothing out of it except some debt. I got to see a few things... Whistler, a hockey game, a lot of the city. I had some fun.

Yes, I love that I got to go, but I am thoroughly disappointed that it didn't work out. So very, very disappointed. I cried. A lot. Sometimes to my mum. Mostly to my pillow.

So I came home.

And now I'm living back with my parents in the small country town where I grew up. I am not, however, working in the same job I was. I am working in a pub in the kitchen playing waitress/dishwasher. And I don't have a problem with that. It's something different. Something I can take with me when I move. Working with some new people.

It's just that I was finally standing on my own 2 feet. I was somewhere no-one knew me. I could start to reinvent myself into the person I want to be, not the person people know me to be. I wasn't Debbie's daughter, or Holly's sister. I was me! (ok, so no-one seemed to be able to spell my name, but that's not really anything new, although my name isn't uncommon, nor is it an unusual spelling).

I was in a place where you could dress as you want, do as you want. If I wanted to play tennis, there was a club for that. If I wanted to learn to pole dance, there was a place to do that. If I wanted to see a Burlesque show, there was a place for that too (and Clare to come with me).

But here, in the town I grew up in, there is nothing. No movie theater (I can hear you gasping in shock from here). No bowling alley (you have to go to the next town do use either of those things). No outdoor groups. No cooking classes. Not really even any fitness classes (there are a few and by a few I mean a Zumba class, and a yoga class. Maybe a boxing class if you're lucky). There's a swimming pool and a gym. There's a tennis club, but only if you want to compete. There are a football, and a netball club, but if you're an adult, there's pretty much not a team with a space.

And that's about it.

Did I mention I just got back into university? No? Well, I did. As of the end of February, I'll be studying full time for a Bachelor of Sport and Exercise Science in Clinical Exercise Physiology. I know. It's a mouthful. I'm sorry about that. But, I got in and I'm really excited about it.

But I digress...

It's not just the lack of things to do in this town that are getting to me.

There's no-one to do it with. The few people I went to high school with are either married, have kids, have a partner, or a combination of both. And even then there's only about 3-4 of them here.

M, who I used to work with before my ill-fated trip to Canada, is still here, but she works a 10 day, 2 week roster, and I work nights. So if she has a day off, we can't really go anywhere because I have to be back in time to shower and get ready for work because I'm working 6/7 days a week.

So, for the last week or so, I've been feeling more and more down. (I partly blame it on coming up to that week, but that's not all of it.)

It came to me the other day when I was texting a few friends and they were all telling me 'sorry, on my way out to dinner', or some variation of that. I'm lonely. So very, very lonely.

That came as a shock to me.

I never thought I'd be lonely. I am a people person, that I will never deny because it makes up such a huge part of me. But, at the same time, I value my alone time. I like time by myself to read, or watch movies, or cook myself dinner or pamper myself. I need that time.

But there is a big difference between choosing to be alone, and being alone because you have no other choice. The first one is a gift. The second is being lonely.

And I hate it. I want to get a pet. But mum and dad say not until I move out. Which is gonna happen.... when I win the lottery. Because did I mention that I came back broke and in debt??? Well I did.

I have paid off my credit card, but I owe mum and dad money. And I have an approx $40'000 school debt. Yep... $40'000. Not that I'll get that paid off any time soon, nor am I expecting too. But, I'd like to move. Anywhere. Ideally Sydney, but if I have to I'll go to Newcastle. It's not the best option, but at least it's not here. Which is a giant leap up the ladder.

But I have to have a job and a house. The job more than the house. I have a few friends in and around both Sydney and Newcastle, so I can at least crash on someone's couch until I have somewhere to live. And getting a house is easier than getting a job.

I feel like I'm walking backwards, or treading water. I'm not even going sideways anymore.

And then there was a slight argument with my dad yesterday. I say slight because we didn't really argue. I know he cares and he worries and he's protective, but when he says things they don't come out the way he means them. Like giving up the idea of uni until I have some money behind me. So I asked when should I go back if I don't go now? When I'm 40? To which he replied 'you're 26. Your clock is ticking.'

Thanks dad. I'm actually not 26 til May, and I'm not worried about my 'clock' ticking just yet. I'm not ready for kids, and even if I was, I'm still single.

Mum says to give it 6 months, until the end of June/July. Save my money until then. Then, if I can get a job, and a house, move then.

I just don't want to have to wait anymore. I'm over waiting. I'm over running around the same track over and over again. I want to jump the fence and move to a different race. A race I actually want to be in and enjoy.

Whether that happens and when though, I have no idea.