Err... Ahh... Humpf!

Yep. That's right! I said HUMPF!!!!!

Yes, it's a word, and I'm sticking to it!!! (I remember a university boyfriend looking at me like I'd lost my mind when I first said this to him. Nearly 8 years later and it's become a mainstay in my vocabulary.)

Be warned... this will be a long rambling post... and it probably won't make much sense, but I need to get it all out...

Do you ever have those days where you just feel blah? You know, nothing's wrong, but nothing's right either?

That's me today.

And yesterday.

And most of last week.

Some of you may remember 6 months ago I was one very happy and excited little birdy. I was on my way to Canada on a working holiday. A country I had been dying to go to for years and years and years. I was so very excited. This was my opportunity to get out, see the world, make new forever friends, have wonderful new experiences, and cry terribly when I was coming home 2 years later.

Right???

Well, apparently not. The universe hasn't really working in my favour recently.

Yes, I made it to Vancouver. Yes I fell in love with the city. Yes, I made 2 very good friends, one Canadian, and one British. Yes, I got to go to the Supernatural Convention, and have my photos taken with Sam and Dean, and Sam again, and Lucifer and Crowley. And I got to see Death and Lucifer dance and do the Time Warp, and Sweet Transvestite.

But...

I couldn't get work. So I spent a lot of the 6 months looking at a computer screen applying for jobs, and walking the streets handing in resumes, and got nothing out of it except some debt. I got to see a few things... Whistler, a hockey game, a lot of the city. I had some fun.

Yes, I love that I got to go, but I am thoroughly disappointed that it didn't work out. So very, very disappointed. I cried. A lot. Sometimes to my mum. Mostly to my pillow.

So I came home.

And now I'm living back with my parents in the small country town where I grew up. I am not, however, working in the same job I was. I am working in a pub in the kitchen playing waitress/dishwasher. And I don't have a problem with that. It's something different. Something I can take with me when I move. Working with some new people.

It's just that I was finally standing on my own 2 feet. I was somewhere no-one knew me. I could start to reinvent myself into the person I want to be, not the person people know me to be. I wasn't Debbie's daughter, or Holly's sister. I was me! (ok, so no-one seemed to be able to spell my name, but that's not really anything new, although my name isn't uncommon, nor is it an unusual spelling).

I was in a place where you could dress as you want, do as you want. If I wanted to play tennis, there was a club for that. If I wanted to learn to pole dance, there was a place to do that. If I wanted to see a Burlesque show, there was a place for that too (and Clare to come with me).

But here, in the town I grew up in, there is nothing. No movie theater (I can hear you gasping in shock from here). No bowling alley (you have to go to the next town do use either of those things). No outdoor groups. No cooking classes. Not really even any fitness classes (there are a few and by a few I mean a Zumba class, and a yoga class. Maybe a boxing class if you're lucky). There's a swimming pool and a gym. There's a tennis club, but only if you want to compete. There are a football, and a netball club, but if you're an adult, there's pretty much not a team with a space.

And that's about it.

Did I mention I just got back into university? No? Well, I did. As of the end of February, I'll be studying full time for a Bachelor of Sport and Exercise Science in Clinical Exercise Physiology. I know. It's a mouthful. I'm sorry about that. But, I got in and I'm really excited about it.

But I digress...

It's not just the lack of things to do in this town that are getting to me.

There's no-one to do it with. The few people I went to high school with are either married, have kids, have a partner, or a combination of both. And even then there's only about 3-4 of them here.

M, who I used to work with before my ill-fated trip to Canada, is still here, but she works a 10 day, 2 week roster, and I work nights. So if she has a day off, we can't really go anywhere because I have to be back in time to shower and get ready for work because I'm working 6/7 days a week.

So, for the last week or so, I've been feeling more and more down. (I partly blame it on coming up to that week, but that's not all of it.)

It came to me the other day when I was texting a few friends and they were all telling me 'sorry, on my way out to dinner', or some variation of that. I'm lonely. So very, very lonely.

That came as a shock to me.

I never thought I'd be lonely. I am a people person, that I will never deny because it makes up such a huge part of me. But, at the same time, I value my alone time. I like time by myself to read, or watch movies, or cook myself dinner or pamper myself. I need that time.

But there is a big difference between choosing to be alone, and being alone because you have no other choice. The first one is a gift. The second is being lonely.

And I hate it. I want to get a pet. But mum and dad say not until I move out. Which is gonna happen.... when I win the lottery. Because did I mention that I came back broke and in debt??? Well I did.

I have paid off my credit card, but I owe mum and dad money. And I have an approx $40'000 school debt. Yep... $40'000. Not that I'll get that paid off any time soon, nor am I expecting too. But, I'd like to move. Anywhere. Ideally Sydney, but if I have to I'll go to Newcastle. It's not the best option, but at least it's not here. Which is a giant leap up the ladder.

But I have to have a job and a house. The job more than the house. I have a few friends in and around both Sydney and Newcastle, so I can at least crash on someone's couch until I have somewhere to live. And getting a house is easier than getting a job.

I feel like I'm walking backwards, or treading water. I'm not even going sideways anymore.

And then there was a slight argument with my dad yesterday. I say slight because we didn't really argue. I know he cares and he worries and he's protective, but when he says things they don't come out the way he means them. Like giving up the idea of uni until I have some money behind me. So I asked when should I go back if I don't go now? When I'm 40? To which he replied 'you're 26. Your clock is ticking.'

Thanks dad. I'm actually not 26 til May, and I'm not worried about my 'clock' ticking just yet. I'm not ready for kids, and even if I was, I'm still single.

Mum says to give it 6 months, until the end of June/July. Save my money until then. Then, if I can get a job, and a house, move then.

I just don't want to have to wait anymore. I'm over waiting. I'm over running around the same track over and over again. I want to jump the fence and move to a different race. A race I actually want to be in and enjoy.

Whether that happens and when though, I have no idea.